Shepherding A Child's Heart: A Book Report

I just finished reading the book Shepherding A Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp (1995) and would like to make a few notes of the things I thought were especially striking or thought-provoking. Overall, I felt the book did a great job of addressing the real reason and motivation for disciplining our children -- to draw them nearer to a relationship with Christ and convince them why He is the only One worth seeking after. Some of my more detailed observations include:

• A biblical vision for the parenting task is this: Being authorities who are kind, shepherding your children to understand themselves in God's world, and keeping the gospel in clear view so your children can internalize the good news and someday live in mutuality with you as people under God (p. xvii). Tripp explains that this is the only adequate way to approach parenting in the midst of so many other philosophies that have failed.
  
• The exercise of authority over our children must be done as God's agent on His behalf. We may not direct our children for our own agenda or convenience. We must direct our children on God's behalf for their good (pg. xviii). I appreciate this fresh perspective so much because it reminds me that my children are not my own, nor is it for my own benefit to have obedient children. I cannot allow my own motivations for wanting well-behaved children to supersede my responsibility to raise my children to know God.
• Parents who give their children a keepable standard are actually robbing them of the mercy of the gospel. Tripp points out that the law of God is not easy for natural man, and that its standards cannot be achieved apart from God's supernatural grace. When we fail to hold our children to God's standard and instead somehow reduce our expectations to limits within our children's own capacity to achieve, we actually prevent them from being confronted by their own desperate need for a Savior.
  
• Luke 6:45 serves as a foundation for the principle of shepherding a child's heart. It states: "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." When, for instance, a child grabs a toy from another without asking for it first and we respond by addressing only the fault of the behavior itself, we miss out on the important opportunity of discussing the selfish heart condition of the child who is only absorbed with what he or she wants. As Luke says, it is the heart that matters most; the behavior is only a byproduct and not the real problem.
• Our children are responsible for the way they respond to our parenting. This is not to dismiss the crucial task we as parents have, but it is to put in perspective where our role as a parent begins and ends. On page 16, Tripp discusses the analogy of a potter who is shaping a piece of wet clay into a pot. The potter has only so much control; although he is the one shaping, the clay itself has properties which either resist or aid in the shaping process. Tripp uses this analogy to demonstrate that the degree to which life circumstances and events affect a child is determined by their Godward orientation. As parents, we must focus first on leading our children toward a Godward orientation rather than managing the circumstances and events they experience. The decisions they make in those events and circumstances, then, are theirs alone -- but they are much better equipped to make godly decisions because we have worked to influence their Godward orientation.
  
• If you are going to shepherd your children, you must understand what makes your children tick (p. 33). If you are going to direct them in the ways of the Lord, as Genesis 18 calls you to, you must know them and their inclinations. This task requires more than simply providing adequate food, clothing and shelter. In short, it requires a full-time commitment to the task with no shortcuts or compromises.
• Anger has no place in discipline. Any change in behavior that is produced by anger is not going to move your children toward God. It moves them away from God. It moves them in the direction of the idolatry of fearing man rather than God (p. 36).
• Shepherding is done through two means: communication and the rod. Communication in particular is done through more than just rules, correction, and discpline, but also encouragement, correction, rebuke, entreaty, instruction, warning, teaching, and prayer (p. 84).
• Communication is a lifestyle, not an act. Parents are often too busy to talk unless something is wrong. A regular habit of talking together prepares the way for talking in strained situations. You will never have the hearts of your children if you talk with them only when something has gone wrong. Honest, thorough, truly biblical communication is expensive; insightful and penetrating conversations take time (p. 94).
• What happens to the child who is trained to do all the appropriate things? When being well-mannered is severed from biblical roots in servanthood, manners become a classy tool of manipulation. Our children learn how to work others in a subtle but profoundly self-serving way. Some children become crass manipulators of others and disdainful of people with less polish. Others, seeing through the sham and hypocrisy, become brash and crass rejecters of the conventions of culture (p. 46).
• Obedience Defined: Without Challenge, Without Excuse, Without Delay. When any of these three elements is missing, disobedience has occurred and discipline is required.
• The process of appeal -- when your child asks that you reconsider your request. What I find interesting is that Tripp explains that "it should be our habit to say yes to a request unless there are good reasons to say no. It is easy to make authoritarian choices simply out of convenience" (p. 142).
• The "when" of spanking. Tripp argues that the "when" of spanking is so simple that parents often miss it: When your child has not obeyed, he needs to be spanked. I hesitate to accept this position because I am unsure about where natural consequences come into the mix. When should I let the natural consequences of a poor decision take their course and when should I inflict a spanking in addition?
• When is my child old enough to be disciplined? When your child is old enough to resist your directives, he is old enough to be disciplined (p. 154).
• What if I know my child is lying to me? I found Tripp's response to this very counter intuitive to how Amgad or I would likely approach such a situation. He recommends that you as a parent should never accuse your child of lying. The risk of disheartening them and damaging the open lines of communication because you have expressed a lack of trust in their credibility is far too great to risk.
• Shepherding can be broken down into three distinct stages. The first, from infancy through about four years old, is obedience -- getting your child to obey and using communication and the rod as tools for achieving it. The second, from ages 5-12, is character -- guiding your child away from behavior that isn't necessarily defiant, but still wrong. The third, from 13-18, is three-pronged: fear of the Lord, adherence to parental instruction, and disassociation from the wicked (from Proverbs 1:7-19).
• Periodic Reviews. Once or twice a year, Tripp suggests sitting down with each of your chidlren and evaluating their progress as a developing person through the lens of three distinct relationships: Your child and God, your child and himself, and your child and others. By evaluating both areas of excellence and areas of improvement, you can develop a strategy for dealing with the areas of concern and prepare yourself with many fruitful areas to help your children (p. 171).
• The Authority versus Influence spectrum. This graph shows that, as a child grows from infancy through adulthood, a parent's authority should ideally lessen at the same rate at which his influence grows.
• Is academic excellence in the life of your child a worthy goal to work toward? Tripp believes that it is not in comparison to the importance of the goal of drawing your children near to the gospel everyday. He states: "There should be no pressure for good grades at all. Grades are unimportant. What is important is that your child learn to do his work diligently for God." A little later he says, "Knowing that gifts and abilities are a stewardship from the Lord, your child's objective should be faithfulness." I tend to agree, knowing from personal experience that the pursuit for academic excellence as an end in itself is usually a back-door way of receiving recognition for others and puffing up your own pride.