This blog is moving!

Of course it had to happen only several days after I committed to writing more frequently in my blog that I decided Blogspot's features weren't cutting it. So I'm moving all content to Wordpress, which seems much more versatile. Here's the new site:

www.reflectionsofasurrenderedlife.wordpress.com

See you there, maybe!

Mythbusters

There are several myths that I believed growing up that have since been busted. One in particular comes to mind because it was busted just last night. Here they are:

1. You can't get sick with one cold right on top of the other. This is the one that was busted for me yesterday. I just finished up with a pretty bad head cold, with the last remnants of it going away on Wednesday. And then on Thursday night I had a really bad sore throat, which has led into what seems to be a pretty significant chest cold. Super big bummer. I'm just thankful this is the first time in my life this has ever happened to me!
2. You can't throw up while you're going to the bathroom. I think my mom used to tell me this when I had the stomach flu because I was scared that it might happen and wouldn't know what to do if it did. I haven't personally had this myth busted, but I have spoken to quite a few friends who guarantee me that this is most definitely possible.
3. If it's below a certain temperature, it won't snow. Now, for all of you meteorology junkies out there, this so-called myth might actually hold some truth at some given temperature. But I remember when I was little and I was afraid of a snow day because it meant I couldn't do show-and-tell or have my friend over for a sleepover or whatever, and my mom would reassure me that it was too cold to snow. Since becoming an adult, I realize how cold it is sometimes when it snows -- sometimes in the single digits. To date, though, I've never had the snow sabotage any show-and-tell or sleepover plans, thank goodness.

So I'm curious...what are some of your childhood myths that have since been busted?

Time Is Passing Differently Now

I don't know about you, but for me in my life over the past couple of years, the mathematical value of time has changed. I'm sure nearly every adult can relate. In fact, I'm sure they can because I think I've heard just about every adult on the planet say at one time or another, "Whoa! Where did this past week go? Time has flown!" Or who hasn't heard the overused speech so many seasoned moms tell to the new ones: "Enjoy the time when they're little because they grow up so fast."

More what I'm getting at is this weird phenomenon I've noticed in my life of increased patience. I think it started when my oldest son, Joey, was learning how to eat solid foods. Like every decent new mom, I was over-the-top excited to begin feeding him rice cereal. And despite what others told me about the fact that babies need practice when it comes to swallowing food from a spoon, I didn't really believe it. Or think about how much practice that meant.

Oh, it took practice. Like six months of practice.

And you can imagine all the while I'm getting pretty impatient and borderline concerned that my son might be developmentally challenged. But it didn't stop there. It took months and months for him to do all sorts of things with ease, like drink from a sippy cup, walk, run, say words, use a fork, manipulate a toy -- you name it, and it probably took at least six months apiece to master.

This was a handy lesson for me to learn with the advent of my new daughter, who was born this past December. As the weeks have worn into months and I'm still struggling with teaching her how to sleep through the night on her own, I reason with myself saying, "Oh, it's only a season. It'll be over in a few months."

Wait. MONTHS? Where did this crazy kind of patience come from? I was the type of kid who used to think I would die from starvation on a car trip if we didn't find a restaurant within the next five miles. I was the high schooler who thought the amount of time between fifth and eighth period was just about the longest stretch of time known to man. I was the college kid who thought semesters would never end. And I was the wife who thought a garden was not worth the wait because it took all summer to grow.

I'd like to attribute this increased patience to my awesome growth in character, but I think I know better. Yes,  these extra-long waiting periods are forcing me to understand what true patience really is, but I believe it's because God has been the one endowing me with this newfound skill, sneakily giving me doses of it like a mom hides vegetables in her kids' meatballs.

Nothing has required more patience than childrearing in my life to date, and I have come to understand that it is God's way of tutoring me about His economy of time: The amount and sequence time takes are not nearly as imperative as the byproduct it yields. And the byproduct, whatever that may be, has always been so worth it!

Mom-Sized Tasks

I love it when I hear a mom refer to a task as a "mom-sized task." I think I've heard it mostly in our MOPS group, but I think it's a good phrase and should be part of the universal mom language if it isn't already.

Before becoming a mom, I probably would've rolled my eyes at the phrase, in part because I bet I would've figured a mom can do just as much, if not more, as a "regular" person (whoever that is). And I probably would've thought the phrase sounded kind of cheesy, too.

But even though it may sound cheesy (which it pretty much does), I've learned that it's okay because it immediately pinpoints the exact dimensions of the type of task I can handle now that I'm a mom. When one mom says to another, "Oh, it'll be a mom-sized task -- you can get it done for sure," that mom knows in an instant that it's something she can manageably squeeze into her already-very-tight yet not-even-resembling-orderly day.

I say all this to point out that my goal for my blog is that the task of writing new posts will be "mom-sized," and therefore a little more frequent than they were in the past.

Just for fun, I'll share what I think are some "mom-sized" tasks and some "non-mom-sized" tasks in my day today:

My Mom-Sized Tasks Today

• Posting to this blog
• Going to the bathroom

My Non-Mom-Sized Tasks Today

• Allowing my un-potty-trained two-year-old to walk around in underwear this morning
• (Attempting to) administer 6ml of amoxicillin three times per day to my three-month-old
• Preventing my beagle from raiding the kitchen trash, puking on the carpet, urinating in his kennel, or sneaking out the patio door and running away
• Showering

Your stoplight can't always be green.

Another red light. Seriously, how many in a row can I possibly get? And why does it always seem like they're all red when I'm running especially late?

I know we have all entertained these thoughts while waiting in long lines of traffic, trying desperately just to get where we're going. I'm late. I can't afford this delay. I'm so unlucky. I can't believe this is happening again. Before you know it, you're completely consumed -- by your plans and the red stoplight that is foiling them...again.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was headed to a meeting and found myself in this familiar scenario. For just a moment, I glanced to the lane next to me and made eye contact with the driver, also waiting for the light to turn green. Where is he heading? I asked myself. Is his meeting more urgent than mine? Is he also thinking only about himself, just like I am?

Next, I found myself wondering what the drivers on the cross street were thinking as they zipped across my path. Are they breathing a sigh of relief that their light is green? I wondered. Do they even notice that we're waiting for them? What if we had decided not to stop for them?

In that moment at that intersection as I struggled to wrap my mind around others' perspectives besides my own, I stumbled on an important truth: My stoplight can't always be green.

My lofty expectation that everything consistently go my way might be justifiable if the world existed only for me. It might even make sense if it existed only for my family, my close friends, or my community...but it doesn't. The world I encounter every day is made up of thousands of people with innumerable needs and desires of their own -- some of which by their very nature are at odds with my own. If my stoplight is green, it is always red for someone else, and vice versa.

As a follower of Jesus, I am learning that this give-and-take is more than just a reality I need to live with. It is an incredible opportunity I can embrace to be a servant. The prerequisite for contentment is not that everything always go my way. Rather, it is taking every chance I find to surrender my privileges as a way of blessing someone else, regardless of the inconvenience.

Before my thoughts carried me any further, the cross traffic slowed to a stop, and several seconds later our light switched to green. Relieved, I pulled forward into the intersection, thankful to finally be moving closer to my destination -- and a little closer to understanding God's economy of give-and-take.

Shepherding A Child's Heart: A Book Report

I just finished reading the book Shepherding A Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp (1995) and would like to make a few notes of the things I thought were especially striking or thought-provoking. Overall, I felt the book did a great job of addressing the real reason and motivation for disciplining our children -- to draw them nearer to a relationship with Christ and convince them why He is the only One worth seeking after. Some of my more detailed observations include:

• A biblical vision for the parenting task is this: Being authorities who are kind, shepherding your children to understand themselves in God's world, and keeping the gospel in clear view so your children can internalize the good news and someday live in mutuality with you as people under God (p. xvii). Tripp explains that this is the only adequate way to approach parenting in the midst of so many other philosophies that have failed.
  
• The exercise of authority over our children must be done as God's agent on His behalf. We may not direct our children for our own agenda or convenience. We must direct our children on God's behalf for their good (pg. xviii). I appreciate this fresh perspective so much because it reminds me that my children are not my own, nor is it for my own benefit to have obedient children. I cannot allow my own motivations for wanting well-behaved children to supersede my responsibility to raise my children to know God.
• Parents who give their children a keepable standard are actually robbing them of the mercy of the gospel. Tripp points out that the law of God is not easy for natural man, and that its standards cannot be achieved apart from God's supernatural grace. When we fail to hold our children to God's standard and instead somehow reduce our expectations to limits within our children's own capacity to achieve, we actually prevent them from being confronted by their own desperate need for a Savior.
  
• Luke 6:45 serves as a foundation for the principle of shepherding a child's heart. It states: "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." When, for instance, a child grabs a toy from another without asking for it first and we respond by addressing only the fault of the behavior itself, we miss out on the important opportunity of discussing the selfish heart condition of the child who is only absorbed with what he or she wants. As Luke says, it is the heart that matters most; the behavior is only a byproduct and not the real problem.
• Our children are responsible for the way they respond to our parenting. This is not to dismiss the crucial task we as parents have, but it is to put in perspective where our role as a parent begins and ends. On page 16, Tripp discusses the analogy of a potter who is shaping a piece of wet clay into a pot. The potter has only so much control; although he is the one shaping, the clay itself has properties which either resist or aid in the shaping process. Tripp uses this analogy to demonstrate that the degree to which life circumstances and events affect a child is determined by their Godward orientation. As parents, we must focus first on leading our children toward a Godward orientation rather than managing the circumstances and events they experience. The decisions they make in those events and circumstances, then, are theirs alone -- but they are much better equipped to make godly decisions because we have worked to influence their Godward orientation.
  
• If you are going to shepherd your children, you must understand what makes your children tick (p. 33). If you are going to direct them in the ways of the Lord, as Genesis 18 calls you to, you must know them and their inclinations. This task requires more than simply providing adequate food, clothing and shelter. In short, it requires a full-time commitment to the task with no shortcuts or compromises.
• Anger has no place in discipline. Any change in behavior that is produced by anger is not going to move your children toward God. It moves them away from God. It moves them in the direction of the idolatry of fearing man rather than God (p. 36).
• Shepherding is done through two means: communication and the rod. Communication in particular is done through more than just rules, correction, and discpline, but also encouragement, correction, rebuke, entreaty, instruction, warning, teaching, and prayer (p. 84).
• Communication is a lifestyle, not an act. Parents are often too busy to talk unless something is wrong. A regular habit of talking together prepares the way for talking in strained situations. You will never have the hearts of your children if you talk with them only when something has gone wrong. Honest, thorough, truly biblical communication is expensive; insightful and penetrating conversations take time (p. 94).
• What happens to the child who is trained to do all the appropriate things? When being well-mannered is severed from biblical roots in servanthood, manners become a classy tool of manipulation. Our children learn how to work others in a subtle but profoundly self-serving way. Some children become crass manipulators of others and disdainful of people with less polish. Others, seeing through the sham and hypocrisy, become brash and crass rejecters of the conventions of culture (p. 46).
• Obedience Defined: Without Challenge, Without Excuse, Without Delay. When any of these three elements is missing, disobedience has occurred and discipline is required.
• The process of appeal -- when your child asks that you reconsider your request. What I find interesting is that Tripp explains that "it should be our habit to say yes to a request unless there are good reasons to say no. It is easy to make authoritarian choices simply out of convenience" (p. 142).
• The "when" of spanking. Tripp argues that the "when" of spanking is so simple that parents often miss it: When your child has not obeyed, he needs to be spanked. I hesitate to accept this position because I am unsure about where natural consequences come into the mix. When should I let the natural consequences of a poor decision take their course and when should I inflict a spanking in addition?
• When is my child old enough to be disciplined? When your child is old enough to resist your directives, he is old enough to be disciplined (p. 154).
• What if I know my child is lying to me? I found Tripp's response to this very counter intuitive to how Amgad or I would likely approach such a situation. He recommends that you as a parent should never accuse your child of lying. The risk of disheartening them and damaging the open lines of communication because you have expressed a lack of trust in their credibility is far too great to risk.
• Shepherding can be broken down into three distinct stages. The first, from infancy through about four years old, is obedience -- getting your child to obey and using communication and the rod as tools for achieving it. The second, from ages 5-12, is character -- guiding your child away from behavior that isn't necessarily defiant, but still wrong. The third, from 13-18, is three-pronged: fear of the Lord, adherence to parental instruction, and disassociation from the wicked (from Proverbs 1:7-19).
• Periodic Reviews. Once or twice a year, Tripp suggests sitting down with each of your chidlren and evaluating their progress as a developing person through the lens of three distinct relationships: Your child and God, your child and himself, and your child and others. By evaluating both areas of excellence and areas of improvement, you can develop a strategy for dealing with the areas of concern and prepare yourself with many fruitful areas to help your children (p. 171).
• The Authority versus Influence spectrum. This graph shows that, as a child grows from infancy through adulthood, a parent's authority should ideally lessen at the same rate at which his influence grows.
• Is academic excellence in the life of your child a worthy goal to work toward? Tripp believes that it is not in comparison to the importance of the goal of drawing your children near to the gospel everyday. He states: "There should be no pressure for good grades at all. Grades are unimportant. What is important is that your child learn to do his work diligently for God." A little later he says, "Knowing that gifts and abilities are a stewardship from the Lord, your child's objective should be faithfulness." I tend to agree, knowing from personal experience that the pursuit for academic excellence as an end in itself is usually a back-door way of receiving recognition for others and puffing up your own pride.
  

The Gift of Discipline

I have spent some time lately thinking about the purpose and importance of disciplining children now that Joey is getting a little older and has begun to develop an awareness of his actions and their results. It might seem kind of early to be thinking about such things, especially considering that he is just shy of six months old. Then again, what is the magical age at which a child suddenly grasps the concept of right and wrong and can appropriately be disciplined for his wrong choices? How do I determine when, how, and why I should begin to discipline my son?

After doing a bit of reading from Scripture, I was surprised to find how much God has to say about the concept of discipline. Here are just a few observations I made:

• Children are, by their very nature, foolish. Proverbs 22:15a says: "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child." The dictionary defines foolish as "devoid of good sense or judgment." This perfectly describes the innocent heart of a child who has no life experience to naturally produce such judgment.
• Children also naturally tend toward sin. As we well know, thanks to Adam, all humanity is born with a sin nature. This is important to mention in a discussion of discipline because a child whose nature is both sinful and foolish (or lacking judgment) is literally a lethal combination when left unguided by his parents.
  
• Children (and adults) gain wisdom through one of two ways: Instruction or Experience. We can either heed the warning someone gives us about a particular situation or we can experience the negative consequences of that situation ourselves. When we choose to discipline our child in a certain area, we are giving them wisdom they couldn't otherwise gain without experiencing the negative consequences themselves -- and that could be downright dangerous. Proverbs 5:22-23 makes this point very clear: "The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly." Left to his own foolishness, I guarantee you Joey would already be dead.
  
• Disciple and discipline are from the same Latin root word, Discipulus, which means to learn. When I discipline Joey, I am essentially teaching him how to choose the appropriate behavior in a given circumstance for his own protection and well-being. Discipline isn't a bad word; on the contrary, it's essential to the proper development of our children!
  
• When we discipline our children, we are giving them an incredible gift. When we work to impart the virtues of self-control and right judgment into the heart of our children, we are freeing them to be truly effective and creative individuals now and later in life. Scripture wisely points out: "He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls." (Proverbs 25:28) Think about it: a city is a powerful thing when it is governed well and surrounded by protective walls that keep out foreign threats. However, when no such governance exists, the city is left vulnerable because those boundaries aren't maintained. Similarly, when a child has been appropriately and consistently trained to understand the importance of behavioral boundaries, he has been given a great freedom to explore and enjoy life without having to continually experience the negative consequences of wrong choices he never knew were risky in the first place.
• God's discipline over us is a perfect parallel. Go back and re-read everything I've written, this time replacing any reference to "parent" with "God," and any reference to "child" with your own name. You will be overcome by the reality of God's goodness as He disciplines us in order to perfect us for His sake.

^"Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." ~ Hebrews 12:10-11